What resentment taught me

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This is very personal, but I hope it sheds light on any relationship where you may have bitterness towards someone.

When my daughter, Linor, was born, I found myself constantly feeling resentment towards my husband. I had gained 60 pounds, my body was in serious pain, I was up every 90 minutes at night to feed her. And if Linor wasn't breastfeeding, I was pumping. I couldn't get out of the house, I couldn't find time to shower, I couldn't recognize the woman who was looking back at me in the mirror.

Meanwhile, my husband, sure, was also tired and stressed, and doing a lot, but it didn't feel like enough. And that wasn't his fault - he can't make a baby or breastfeed it. His existence in contrast to mine just didn't feel fair. He got to go back to work and I was jealous. I envied his one hour commute where he didn't have to think about anything and could just relax. I was jealous that he could still wear all of his clothes and look handsome, and I had nothing that fit and felt ugly. He wasn't suffering as much and doing as much as I was - so I felt bitter.

The resentment I felt was poisonous for both of us... and thankfully after lots of deep work, I've let it go. Only in the last six months have I been able to befriend my resentment. That's right, befriend.

My resentment shows me all the places I need to pause taking care of others and actually tend to myself. It's a flashy, red, blinking, loud signal that tells me: "Warning! A line is being crossed. Check-in with yourself! What do you need? What are your choices?"

I find that folks who are people pleasers (ehhem, cough, cough, guilty!), are more likely to build resentment because they put others ahead of themselves. They are so concerned with taking care of everyone around them that they often aren't attuned to their own needs or options.

Resentment may initially look like it's directed at someone else, but what I realized is that it was actually I who was resenting myself. I had hard feelings against me because I wasn't being fair to myself. I needed even more help from my husband and others, stricter boundaries on my time, and some major self-compassion.

I'm not saying it's the same for you, but I do think there may be another way of looking at things.

Consider your resentment and ask yourself:

• If this resentment were a wise teacher, what else is it trying to show me?
• What am I avoiding?
• What do I feel in my body when resentment shows up?
• What do I want to say "yes" to?
• What do I want to say "no" to?
• How can I be more gentle and loving with myself?
• Where can I forgive myself or someone else?

You don't have to do anything with your answers. Just keep noticing what you notice. Sometimes the act of checking in with yourself, getting grounded on what's true for you, is all you need.

What I learned (and continue to learn) is that telling someone "no" or asking for help may be the noblest way I can honor my needs. It ain't easy, comfortable, or even guilt free, but it's what I need to do to be my best.

Otherwise, if I keep giving and going, I have nothing left but scraps to offer. And that doesn't serve anyone.

So there you go. I hope you're not holding onto any resentment, but in case you are, may this help! Let me know what you think of this.

My best,
Stella

What is Stella up to?

This January I got to speak at Cigna in both their New York and New Jersey offices.

I also did a webinar for BizLibrary that reached 1,000 people on How to Stick With Your Goals and Avoid Self Sabotage. If you missed it, you can catch the recording here!

In between all that I’ve been coaching and working on a few exciting projects - I will reveal more later this Spring!

Stella Grizont founded Woopaah because life is too precious to be bored or miserable behind the desk.

As a speaker and executive coach, Stella Grizont works with overachievers who are seeking deeper career fulfillment and with organizations who are dedicated to elevating the well-being of their employees.

In the last 15 years, Stella has coached over 1,600 individuals in over 27 countries. Some of Stella's corporate clients include Google, Johnson & Johnson, VMWare, and Genentech.

Her unique approach to being happier and more engaged on the job has been featured on MSNBC, The Today Show, NPR, Entrepreneur, and Vanity Fair. Stella was one of the first 150 people in the world to earn a master in Applied Positive Psychology (aka the science of happiness) from the University of Pennsylvania.

She lives in New Jersey with her husband and daughter, who continue to teach her what life is all about.

Want to work with Stella? Let's chat.